Holding Our Hurt: Moving from Blended or Buried to Nurtured and Whole
In the rush of daily life, most of us unknowingly fall into one of two patterns with our emotional pain: it either blends with us so completely that it becomes overwhelming and all-consuming, or it becomes suppressed, pushed deep within until it feels blocked off and unreachable. Both of these patterns—whether enmeshed or exiled—disconnect us from our essence and inner wholeness.
The Enneagram provides a lens for understanding how these tendencies show up in the unique ways of each type. Some types may feel more prone to burying their pain out of a need for autonomy (like Type 5) or avoiding discomfort (like Type 7). Others may become overwhelmed by it, blending their sense of self with their suffering as they search for connection (like Type 4) or a sense of security (like Type 6). While these patterns are understandable responses to hurt, they limit us from accessing the expansive, healing qualities of our essence.
The Practice of Holding Our Hurt
Internal Family Systems (IFS) and somatic therapy offer a profound path forward by teaching us to create space for our hurt. Instead of allowing pain to blend with us or banishing it into exile, these approaches encourage us to "hold" our hurt—literally and metaphorically—outside of our core Self.
This begins with noticing where and how the pain resides in the body. Is it tightness in the chest? A sinking feeling in the gut? A lump in the throat? By connecting with these sensations, we shift from intellectualizing our pain to truly experiencing it in the present moment.
From there, we can begin to develop a relationship with it. Rather than being consumed by the pain or suppressing it, we "externalize" it as a part of ourselves that needs tending. In IFS terms, this could mean recognizing the hurt as a part that holds a burden, rather than identifying the burden as who we are. This separation creates a compassionate container for healing.
Nurturing with Essence
Once we’ve made space for the hurt, we can begin to nurture it with the felt sense of essence. Each Enneagram type has access to the essential qualities that bring nourishment and healing: the peace of Type 9, the joy of Type 7, the strength of Type 8, the love of Type 2, and so on.
For example, when holding pain that feels like an anxious scrambling for safety (a Type 6 pattern), we might nurture it by cultivating a sense of inner trust and assurance. When the pain feels like a deep sadness or longing (a Type 4 pattern), we can bring the spaciousness and radiance of essence to gently soothe and reassure that part of ourselves.
These qualities of essence are not something we "manufacture" but something we remember. They are innate, available to us when we create the space to feel and embody them.
From Fragmentation to Wholeness
Holding our hurt in front of us—rather than blending with or burying it—invites us into a relationship with the fullness of who we are. It allows us to witness our pain, honor its wisdom, and respond to it with compassion.
The journey is not about rejecting these hurting parts of ourselves or "fixing" them, but about creating enough space for them to exist without overtaking our sense of Self. In this space, healing is possible. We can nurture our pain into a sense of wholeness, not by erasing it, but by lovingly integrating it into the larger mosaic of our being.
As you continue your journey, I invite you to pause when pain arises. Ask yourself: Am I blended with this hurt? Am I suppressing it? If so, see if you can shift into a compassionate observer. Hold the hurt in front of you and nurture it as you would a dear child. Over time, you may find that the part of you holding the pain transforms, softens, and reconnects with the essence of who you truly are.
